July 17, 2011

Sunday Not Funnies: United States of Obamastan

This might have been funnier to the select few not in Obama's thrall back in 2009, but I was on Big Government yesterday morning being disturbed by this image, while simultaneously enjoying the wit of both Jason Bradley and Stephen Marche concerning Obama-worship. There are still those it turns out, who deify The One.

While I'm sure they are loath to elevate Captain O to a religious level (they aren't religious after all), I can still envision their O-topian future in the United States of Obamastan (en route to the new name of the Democratic People's Republic of Obama).

Parenthetically, I can see a strong parallel between the Matrix quote by Morpheus "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill -- the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill -- you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." The blue pill, Democrats' color by the way, leaves people to continue to believe the phony state of bliss that is actually horribly wrong. The red pill, the Republican color, wakes you up to the horrible reality that is the current state of the real world. Resistance is red. To quote Morpheus again, "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony."

Now onto that snippet of the vision of future bliss, starting out in the idyllic capital of Obama D.C., where black-on-black crime has been reduced to absolute zero through the brilliant use of green technology. The city, spotlessly clean of course because of the 3.2 million residents employed as sanitation and parks workers, has far beyond quadrupled the number of public schools - there is now one public school for every 12 students. Indeed, there are 6 teachers per student. Every student gets straight A's in subjects ranging from Art, to Music, to Prose, to Keynesian economics, to the rule of international law, to niche courses like 'how to make Faustian bargains'. What's more, the education is not only free, students are paid to attend and 'learn' (the addition of a mandatory attendance and the abolition of home schooling also aided in the matter). Of course the incentives attract everyone, not just the most inclined to learn, so maintaining straight A's is hard work. The 6 to 1 teacher to student ratio isn't enough. The abolition of the whole concept of pass/fail had to be abolished, and students who refused to assimilate were exiled to the newly configured Guantanamo re-education facility, rune by a revitalized and re-purposed ACORN as well as the SEIU.

The roads were all repaved with the gold from Fort Knox, and embossed with the pronouncements of the glorious leader. Statues and memorials of previous idols were replaced with iconic statues of President-for-life Obama. These redevelopment projects were shovel-ready as far back as 2008, but took years to start because of the dark years of Republican intransigence and resistance. Now thankfully, resistance is not only unnecessary, it would be useless. That's because the Obamastan military/police are equipped with the greatest two weapons known to personkind - brilliant diplomacy and unicorn dreams.

The nation's power grid has been removed and replaced with local power yurts that use solar power, wind power, tidal power and the newly discovered insect power. Energy independence was achieved by forced massive cuts to demand. Candles have replaced energy efficient light bulbs everywhere, fortunately increasing the need for fire stations and firepersons nationwide who pump water using good thoughts instead of electricity.

Other notable changes to the nation include the Freedom Tower in New York being renamed the Obama Peace Prize Tower. The nation's been criss-crossed with high speed trains which were converted to wind turbine power in recent years - making possible a top speed of 53 miles per hour, reducing the trip from Miami to Obama D.C. for a mere $1.4 billion per ticket. That of course includes a free lunch of kelp and organic arugula as well as spring water.

Los Angeles is now free from earthquakes, the cessation beginning as far back as the selfsame moment that the oceans stopped rising. However, Obama's magnanimous return of the states from the Mexico Cession back to Mexico means L.A. is no longer part of the United States but part of the Mexican Federation of Cartels. With the presidential declaration of repeal of the Second Amendment, guns no longer walk across the border to the cartel. In an ironic twist however, in the interest of national defense a massive border fence was briefly considered by the White House to prevent Cartel incursions. That was before the brilliant diplomatic solution came to the fore and the idea of paying protection money instead.

Money. With a national debt of $8,906 trillion (or $8.9 quadrillion), money thankfully has become meaningless. President Obama continues to borrow massive amounts from China annually who are just as stuck it he dual lending-borrowing spiral. The Obamanomics solution? Just keeping going bigger and bigger on debt and make the promises to repay bigger too. Problem solved. Taxes have been abolished along with personal income. People are paid entirely in a government designed food stamps / housing stamps formula driven ratio based on their government-determined needs.

The pure bliss of it all is just too much for one blog post. Scores of volumes will be required to quantify and describe the unlimited measures of greatness done by this god-like man. And surely, given enough time, those will come.


We can't pass out the red pills fast enough can we?

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